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2011年6月5日 星期日
2011年3月21日 星期一
Domestic violence and child custody-legal psychiatric cheats divorce lawyers
In the event of divorce and domestic violence, the Court, the children often serve as the vehicle for the offender to save face and stay in control of the family. Sound familiar?
If you are in the family court with an abusive partner or abusive ex-partners and children are involved, you will want to know what this article displays. This is how your child can be operated in order to implement a perpetrator agenda in family court.
If the Foundation is to retain control of the family
Let us say, the offender is determined that he would ask the Court for sole custody of your minor children that he has abused, either directly or indirectly. In many cases, this so-called asking even if the offender is not a candidate for safekeeping.
Now that the submission is in court, and usually for a long time (years), is bluntly on although a so-called custody battle is not taking place technical.
What is going on is a mission to create a scenario to determine that the offender (whether or not a candidate for the safe custody of the law) is actually a right person for safekeeping, because:
(a)) parent is the only parent left
(b)), the other parent is insane or a felon
(c)) this parent is a victim of parental alienation syndrome
... or a combination of the above.
Most typically, we counsel whose purpose is to determine the elements b and c in combination, this makes for a more comprehensive case. And Furthermore, this strategy is often a good first step to perform a perpetrator mission to eliminate the protective parent from their children's lives.
Crazing that make legal psychiatric cheats
Now, if after psychiatric evaluations, there is no evidence that the mother (gender usually in this situation) is "crazy" because the evaluating psychiatrist can not or will not find any psychiatric pathology, then the rush is on to find or create-"craziness" of children.
This strategy is that if we cannot demonstrate that the mother is crazy, we should establish that the children are insane or going crazy with her hand. This is how children become the victims of a users use of the Court to verify and better odds their victims.
Now make children crazy can take days, months or years. And if there are two or more children involved, more than one child psychologically unstable makes for even stronger cases, even if you are the recognised psychological parent for your children.
If you have witnessed this judicial psychiatric cheats in your divorce or a glimpse of it, learn how to block it and protect your child and yourself before cheats spirals control.
For more information about domestic violence, divorce and child custody are Legal domestic abuse. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.d. helps people around the world recognize, quit, and heal from domestic abuse at home and in the Court. 2008 Jeanne King, Ph.d. http://www.DomesticViolenceDivorce.com
2011年2月5日 星期六
The city attorney's denial of a religion to divorce his wife sparks Outrage and obnoxious throughout their religious community.
New York, husband and wife Pennsylvania marriage in New York in 2006 when they move to Maryland for the law of her husband in Republican political organization.
By 2008 wife decided she wanted to quit and return with their baby girl Pennsylvania.
Husband tried to get a court order to halt for wife back Maryland with daughter but emergency motion called's husband does not accept the Maryland family court.
Family Court timesharing awards appear generous of her husband, and the third weekend of each month, with properties that may be exercised in Maryland.
But since the authorization officer no Jew husband by strictures of his religion and to travel on a Friday evening until sundown Saturday. And in practice Husband avails itself of the timesharing very less than actually available. Her husband is reportedly angry and bitter over by award.
Give it time. Family Court to husband and wife divorced but in the eyes of their own religion and their own community of religious. Husband and wife are still married and engaged – to remarry.
Since the husband has to give his wife a "get" atho the divorced kosher. Husband apparently felt that the dissatisfaction of him with arranging timesharing order align his withholding of consent is.
As a result. Her husband is now the target of a Jewish American media and American Jewish religious and multiple users of the husband and wife of shared religious community. War comes to the husband of her husband, even to the work in the world.
Read more in the of this article of the New York Times: religious divorce disputes lead to protest over the world..
2011年2月4日 星期五
Divorce Casualties, Second Edition: Understanding Parental Alienation
Some parents consciously, blatantly, and even maliciously denigrate their ex-spouse through negative comments and actions. Others simply sigh or tense up at the mention of the targeted parent, causing guilt and anxiety in the children. The result is a child full of hate, fear, and rejection toward and unknowing and often undeserving parent. Exploring issues such as secrecy, spying, false accusations, threats and discipline, Divorce Casualties recognizes the often subtle causes of alienation, teaching you to prevent or minimize its damaging effects on your children. Dr. Darnall's practical techniques for understanding the effects of alienation, including characteristics of alienators, symptoms of alienators, a self-report inventory and exercises, and real-life examples, will help even the most well-intentioned of parents renew their commitment to helping their child maintain a healthy, happy relationship with both parents.
Price: $16.95
Helping Children Cope with Divorce, Revised and Updated Edition
Named One of the 10 Best Parenting Books of the Year by Child Magazine, this revised edition teaches you to minimize stress during initial breakups and ultimate separation, explain divorce so children don't blame themselves, protect children from parental hostilities, and navigate conflicts of loyalty and alliance.
Price: $17.95
2011年2月1日 星期二
Rob Hearn: when divorce, child custody issues and family in violent collision
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Rob Hahn: When divorce, custody issues and domestic abuse collide HPFB.init();
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Rob HahnPosted: January 6, 2011 08:45 PMBIOBecome a FanGet Email AlertsBloggers' IndexWhen divorce, custody issues and domestic abuse collide Amazing
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Login or connect with:?More Login OptionsLogin with:?Google Account?Huffpost Account?Yahoo AccountYou must be logged in to comment.Post CommentPreview CommentTo reply to a Comment: Click "Reply" at the bottom of the comment; after being approved your comment will appear directly underneath the comment you replied to. Maverickpower ? 11:35 PM on 1/17/2011 79 Fans I am in IDaho and suffering at the hands of a habitual abuser and the judge who supports mens rights at all costs . ( including my girls safety) This abuser recently told my daughter her body was inhabited by demons that I put there and she wasn't going to live very long. He told them I was moving to 4 corners Utah to sell them into sexual slavery to the Mormon cults down there, and that the Phoenix drug cartels were going to kidnap them.
My girls therapist told me he was actively psychotic and delusional and that I was risking my girls physical safety by allowing unsupervis-ed visitation-. THis has been ON GOING for years! Broken protection orders , he has told the girls not to cooperate with therapist and police etc or they would go to Fostercare if anyone knew what was going on. In Idaho if I knowingly put my kids in harms way I can be held legally liable. And if I don't give him custody I can be thrown in jail .
I cannot leave the state and the judge has disregarde-d letters from mental health care profession-als and teachers etc. He said I was a horrible parent because I recently qualified for medicaid and food stamps. ( their father was taking those benefits and using them for himself)
I deserve this treatment according to the judge and he makes me 100% responsibl-e for the girls and their abuser. Reprehensi-ble. Maverickpower: I am in IDaho and suffering at the hands of http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Maverickpower/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_74288704.html Permalink ?| Share it ExitZero ? 07:58 PM on 1/18/2011 232 Fans Wow. Hang in there. You are in the fight of a lifetime. Try to see yourself as the hero in your daughters' lives. Because it sounds like you have to be. ExitZero: Wow. Hang in there. You are in the fight of http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/ExitZero/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_74385222.html Permalink ?| Share it Wonder Woman2 ? 3 hours ago (5:19 PM) 13 Fans Have you asked the Idaho Supreme Court for an observer? Wonder_Woman2: Have you asked the Idaho Supreme Court for an observer? http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Wonder_Woman2/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_74479451.html Permalink ?| Share it DavidPisarra ? 10:24 AM on 1/17/2011 0 Fans As a divorce attorney in California-, and as the author of A Man's Guide To Domestic Violence, agree we need to reform the laws and put in place protection-s from people abusing a system that is supposed to heal families, not harm them further. Too often the Domestic Violence Protection Act is used a weapon in divorce for one party to get a "kick out" order, and have the custody of children awarded to the Petitioner-, with NO NOTICE to the other side - that is simply abuse in its own right. It's abusive to the children who have unnecessar-y trauma, and it's abusive to the innocent party who is now tarred with the DV label - even if nothing happened. DavidPisarra: As a divorce attorney in California, and as the author http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/DavidPisarra/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_74226191.html Permalink ?| Share it ktcsr ? 12:47 PM on 1/15/2011 0 Fans The domestic court system clearly doe's need some type of reform. While going through divorce I was falsley accused of domestic violence and of course it had everything to do custody. my ex asked for and I regretfull-y agreed to one because I had no intention of being near her except for transfer of custody. but my ex was bitter and spiteful she planned carefully and eventully caught me off guard while in a library sending an e-mail she called the police and I was violating the civil protection order. now I have this on my record and It has made it all most impossible to get a job. because I have shared custody this is to make it more difficult to provide for my son so soon I expect that her and her attorney will soon challange my abillity to provide, and want to take away my custody. I am so disipointe-d at how the court system works as it pertains to accussatio-ns of dv, because their are so many false claims and it almost always hurts the man ans thats just not fair or right. this encourages women to make false claims. ktcsr: The domestic court system clearly doe's need some type of http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/ktcsr/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_74072700.html Permalink ?| Share it curchel ? 05:13 PM on 1/14/2011 2 Fans I agree anyone call "claim" to be abused and not but i also can say that most of the time the abuser is someone "everyone" likes and "noone" outside of the family believes is absuive. The most loving, hospitable person to everyone else can be the same person knocking his wife and kids around at night. And yes, i know from experience-.
And Mr. Wonderful to Everyone Else will almost always bad mouth the other person to make people think that she is crazy/delu-sional/vin-dictive to accuse him of abuse. They very seldom admit to be abusive because they want to keep their good guy image going.
The abused spouse seldom has proof of the abuse because usually they wont go to the police because they didnt want to get him in trouble or get him mad all the years they allowed the abuse before they finally left. curchel: I agree anyone call "claim" to be abused and not http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/curchel/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_73995117.html Permalink ?| Share it ktcsr ? 03:19 PM on 1/15/2011 0 Fans If someone is being abused they need to report it period.the-re are too many false accussatio-ns going . so if it's true abuse the abuser needs to be punished. but if it's false the accuser needs to be punished. no lying ! ktcsr: If someone is being abused they need to report it http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/ktcsr/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_74086423.html Permalink ?| Share it ExitZero ? 24 hours ago (8:00 PM) 232 Fans You're right, ktcsr. ExitZero: You're right, ktcsr. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/ExitZero/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_74385385.html Permalink ?| Share it carlamariee ? 09:46 AM on 1/10/2011 1 Fans That's "his book" not "theis book". carlamariee: That's "his book" not "theis book". http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/carlamariee/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_73377111.html Permalink ?| Share it carlamariee ? 09:43 AM on 1/10/2011 1 Fans Shawnie5, you would have a better understand-ing of Bancroft if you read him more carefully. He explains in the beginning of theis book that they dynamics he describes are not gender specific, but because they are statistica-lly more commonly ascribed to males, that for the sake of consistenc-y he uses "he" as a pronoun. His book remains the best at describing the mindset and strategies of an abuser.
Also, it is not uncommon for there to be no police record of DV. If a woman calls the police, she has a much more angry partner to deal with when he gets out. It's no win. When a petition of divorce is finally filed, it's frequently out of desperatio-n.
A presumptio-n that the children will be awarded to the respondant would effectivel-y give an abuser hostages. Living in a presumptiv-e 50/50 state, I personally know women who are staying with husbands who have hospitalis-ed them in order to keep the children safe from being alone in his custody.
A study, I believe by Barnard, demonstrat-ed that whenever men contest and go for full custody, they get it 70 percent of the time, even with domestic abuse is at issue. Women have not had any advantage in custody disputes since the 1970's.
As for DV being the "silver bullet', it's been so exploited that when DV really exists, it's almost impossible for victims to be heard. The system is broken, indeed. carlamariee: Shawnie5, you would have a better understanding of Bancroft if http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/carlamariee/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_73376774.html Permalink ?| Share it shawnie5 ? 04:03 PM on 1/10/2011 7 Fans This is the third time this week that I've encountere-d that 70% figure misreprese-nted in some fashion. Men who contest custody do NOT receive full custody 70% of the time. They may receive SOME FORM of custody. And that "form" of custody is likely to be merely joint legal, which is virtually the same as noncustodi-al except with some access to school and medical records. It is a bone they toss dad hoping he'll go away satisfied.
If you look at the census bureau's data (at least from 2006, as the 2010 data has not been published) on custodial parents and children, the percentage of custodial mothers (meaning mothers possessing the majority of the children's time) has not changed significan-tly since 1990. A decrease of not more than a percentage point or two at most.
But I hear you about the exploitati-on of DV claims.
I understand what you're saying about Bancroft..-.but my problem with him is that he is ostensibly in the anti-PAS camp but neverthele-ss in his work outlines parental alienation in minute detail while refusing to call it what it is. The implicatio-n is that alienation is something that men do and women don't, which is prepostero-us on its face. shawnie5: This is the third time this week that I've encountered http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/shawnie5/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_73433458.html Permalink ?| Share it Maverickpower ? 11:17 PM on 1/17/2011 79 Fans I am in Idaho , a 50/50 sate. It is horrifying-. THe judge has violated my rights and threatened to take my kids and put me in jail. I am the Mother of 3 girls , who just recently came out to therapists about RAMPANT abuse. The inability of the system to recognize or address this VERY real issue is ASTOUNDING !! He has broken protection orders over and over. He lied in court about domestic violence committed in front of the girls, now they have to testify to prove me the victim. I cannot leave the state of Idaho and he has NEVER paid child support. AND to top it off if I knowingly put my kids in harms way I will be legally liable ?? And if I don't bring them to visitation I can be thrown in jail. The system abuses the victim, then makes them liable for the actions of the abuser.
He was thrown in jail two nights ago for breaking the order AGAIN !! Their is such prejudice against women in Idaho. If you are in this situation then you have done something to deserve it.
DEPLORABLE !!!!!!!!! Maverickpower: I am in Idaho , a 50/50 sate. It is http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Maverickpower/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_74287365.html Permalink ?| Share it h0tr0d ? 05:18 PM on 1/18/2011 37 Fans Lundy Bancroft is an ideologue who has been discredite-d by many. His followers are exclusivel-y true believers from the Women's Studies set. h0tr0d: Lundy Bancroft is an ideologue who has been discredited by http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/h0tr0d/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_74366901.html Permalink ?| Share it ExitZero ? 13 hours ago (6:34 AM) 232 Fans Really? Who is he discredite-d by? He seems to be widely respected (and rightly so, since he's nailed the psychologi-cal profile of controllin-g abusive men) by profession-als and the testimonie-s of abused women who found strength from his books are very touching.
The only criticism of him seems to be from mad dad groups, and the main critique I read of him was a guy who was angry for personal reasons, who attempted to slander Bancroft on a personal level, with innuendo. Not a very objective analysis. In fact, that writer pretty much proved Bancroft's point about the psychologi-cal makeup of abusers. ExitZero: Really? Who is he discredited by? He seems to be http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/ExitZero/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_74417093.html Permalink ?| Share it shaden3 ? 08:31 PM on 1/07/2011 7 Fans Incidents of violence do not necessaril-y translate to Domestic Violence as defined by the DV community. Of course, violence is never acceptable-, but truly understand-ing why domestic violence is defined as a pattern of behaviors, rather than an isolated incident, is an important first step.
Evaluating each family, on a thoughtful case-by-ca-se basis, is imperative-. The fact that there must be a pattern of behavior opens the door for other types of abuse to be included in coersive and controllin-g methods that will ultimately impact the co-parenti-ng situation. Ongoing intimidati-on (which may not include physical violence) absolutely should be a red flag to all involved, from the attorney to the judge to the mediators to the guardian ad litems and down the line.
However, an isolated incident without any prior history or ongoing control and/or threats may not qualify under what's become commonly understood about true intimate partner abuse. Unacceptab-le, unfortunat-e, awful - but more needs to discussed. shaden3: Incidents of violence do not necessarily translate to Domestic Violence http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/shaden3/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_73110147.html Permalink ?| Share it curchel ? 05:15 PM on 1/14/2011 2 Fans Who knows if it is truly isolated? Lots of domestic violence goes unreported-. Many abused spouses are too ashamed to go to the police lots of the time because abusers do a good job in convincing them that they caused the abuse (if you kept your house neater, or if you didnt make me jealous or if you would have done what i said i would have never done that. ) curchel: Who knows if it is truly isolated? Lots of domestic http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/curchel/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_73995471.html Permalink ?| Share it biged0214 ? 04:21 PM on 1/07/2011 0 Fans No, I don't agree with the presumptio-n that custody should be 50/50. One size does not fit all, especially in cases in which there has been a history of domestic violence. The court and mediators need to look into these allegation-s and cases on an individual case-by-ca-se basis. Only a very small percentage of men actually stop their abusive behavior. Abusive men will often contest custody and use the court as a tool of control. The family court system needs to be reformed overall. We are not just case numbers but families, children and parents. 50/50 is unrealisti-c under these circumstan-ces and only leads to more friction between the parents. Thus not in the best interest of the child. Men still do not equally share parenting responsibl-ities. It still tends to fall on women, so is a custody battle truly in the genuine interest in wanting to care for their child/ren? I would suggest you read Lundy Bancroft's - Why Does He Do That? as a start. biged0214: No, I don't agree with the presumption that custody should http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/biged0214/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_73083958.html Permalink ?| Share it shawnie5 ? 03:39 AM on 1/08/2011 7 Fans Lundy Bancroft lost me when he tried to label a close bond between a dad (never a mom) and kids in a conflicted divorce situation as "traumatic bonding." shawnie5: Lundy Bancroft lost me when he tried to label a http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/shawnie5/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_73133907.html Permalink ?| Share it ExitZero ? 13 hours ago (6:52 AM) 232 Fans You rejected him out of hand because of that? Do you reject his overall premise - that abusers are angry, controllin-g narcissist-s? Do you deny all the ways that abusers destroy their families, from sexual violence to the "merely" psychologi-cal? Do you not think this is a real problem that real people suffer from and that they deserve help in the difficult task of getting free from these dangerous people? Do you think society really supports the victims of abuse, that their lives are any easier now in that private hell than they were for women & families generation-s ago? ExitZero: You rejected him out of hand because of that? Do http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/ExitZero/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_74417471.html Permalink ?| Share it There are More Comments on this Thread. Click Here To See them All MikeMurphy ? 12:48 PM on 1/07/2011 2 Fans Good work Rob. We need sane voices speaking for 50-50 parenting post divorce and you have the intestinal fortitude to deal with it.
Often, what gets lost in the whole discussion of DV is the over 50% initiation rate of Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) by women. In one credible study by the CDC it found women initiating it at a 71% rate in non-recipr-ocal violence. They do it because they can as in most cases the man does not strike back. We are hard wired and socialized to protect those weaker.
If reason prevails and equal shared parenting becomes the norm, and Lawyers don't try to fight it based on false allegation-s, tensions will be reduced, divorce will be reduced, children will have more positive outcomes and mom will get a break to get training and find a job or be able to be under less stress. Children face the most abuse and death at the hands of single moms compared to biological fathers. MikeMurphy: Good work Rob. We need sane voices speaking for 50-50 http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/MikeMurphy/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_73055303.html Permalink ?| Share it ExitZero ? 24 hours ago (8:06 PM) 232 Fans "Children face the most abuse and death at the hands of single moms compared to biological fathers."
This is a falsehood/-distortion that should stop being repeated. It undermines the honest points you did make.
Children who live with fathers suffer a higher rate of abuse than children that live with mothers. But there are exponentia-lly MORE children living with mothers. This is not a proper argument to make, if your point is that fathers are less likely to abuse children. That is not true.
It's a difficult situation. There ARE some men who are dangerousl-y abusive - physically-. Most violent crime is committed by men. Most violence within families is perpetrate-d by men. Making false equivalenc-es is not the way to address this real and present danger to both women and kids. ExitZero: "Children face the most abuse and death at the hands http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/ExitZero/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_74385980.html Permalink ?| Share it rlaspari ? 11:12 PM on 1/06/2011 2 Fans Even better than pushing for 50/50 shared custody is pushing for custody for the respondent (the spouse who doesn't initiate the divorce) to be the legal presumptio-n. This would only be a presumptio-n. If there is evidence that the respondent was at fault (for example physically abusive) and this could be proven in court, then there could be a different custody arrangemen-t. Having a presumptio-n that custody goes to the respondent does a few things. First, it discourage-s a spouse from initiating divorce without cause if children are present (and we've learned in the past few decades divorce is bad for kids). Second, it brings a concept of “innocent until proven guilty” for the respondent to family court – something it really needs. Third, it makes a marriage contract resemble other contracts in that there is no reward for breaking a contract without cause. Women initiate the vast majority of divorces – primarily because the current sexist system favors them in custody battles. A 50/50 presumptio-n is not enough to change this. Many women will still think, “If 50/50 is the worst I can do, that's not too bad.” A rebuttable presumptio-n that custody goes to the respondent acknowledg-es that divorce is in general bad for children and initiating it without cause should not be rewarded. It removes the sexist attitude we have and replaces it with one that a good parent will not place their selfish desires over a child's need for an intact family. rlaspari: Even better than pushing for 50/50 shared custody is pushing http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/rlaspari/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_73005708.html Permalink ?| Share it ExitZero ? 13 hours ago (6:56 AM) 232 Fans So what you're saying is that women should be held hostage in abusive relationsh-ips for fear that if they try to leave, they'll lose their children? Unless of course they can "prove" they were abused - which is exactly the abuser's ace in the hole.
If one spouse cheats, or abuses drugs, or psychologi-cally abuses the family - then the person who tries to break free should lose their kids and the cheater/dr-ug addict/abu-ser should raise them? Where is the logic in that? ExitZero: So what you're saying is that women should be held http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/ExitZero/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_74417560.html Permalink ?| Share it Wonder Woman2 ? 3 hours ago (5:23 PM) 13 Fans That is exactly what they are saying- property has no right object to mistreatme-nt. Wonder_Woman2: That is exactly what they are saying- property has no http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Wonder_Woman2/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_74479928.html Permalink ?| Share it Keystone 30 ? 11:10 PM on 1/06/2011 1 Fans The problem here is "suspicion-s" of abuse. The mere accusation of which will cause a man to lose everything he ever owned with absolutely no criminalit-y and be assumed guilty before proven innocent costing thousands for a 5 minute cookie cutter trial. Every attorney out there knows the silver bullet, aka ex parte restrainin-g order, and as the past president of the MA bar stated "the most widely abused piece of legislatio-n out there" causing the accused constituti-onal rights without any criminalit-y or even a 911 call. The system is broken . Keystone_30: The problem here is "suspicions" of abuse. The mere accusation http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Keystone_30/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_73005484.html Permalink ?| Share it ? ? New comments on this entry — Click to refresh
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Rob Hahn: When divorce, custody issues and domestic abuse collide HPFB.init();
HuffPost's QuickRead... ShareBox.ad = function (tag_id){if ($(tag_id) == undefined) return; if ($(tag_id).innerHTML != '') return;ad_spec = {"zone_info": "huffpost.divorce/blog;divorce=1;featured-posts=1;nickname=rob-hahn;entry_id=803755;@ads_scary=1;@ads_sexy=1;abuse=1;child=1;custody=1;domestic=1;family=1;hahh=1;haywood=1;law=1;mike=1;reform=1;rob=1;violence=1","ord": 1295507159,"tile": 3,"width": 300,"height": 250,"el_id": tag_id + "_js","class_name": "ad_block ad_wide top","type": "iframe"}HuffPoUtil.WEDGJE.write(ad_spec, tag_id);};Loading... HuffPost's QuickRead... Loading... BIG NEWS: Smarter Ideas| More... | LogoutLog In| Sign Up ?The Huffington Post January 20, 2011 Front PagePoliticsBusinessMediaEntertainmentComedySportsStyle WorldGreen Food TravelTech LivingHealth Divorce Arts Books Religion Impact Education College NY LA Chicago Denver Blogs Rob HahnPosted: January 6, 2011 08:45 PMBIOBecome a FanGet Email AlertsBloggers' IndexWhen divorce, custody issues and domestic abuse collide Amazing
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Mike Haywood seemed to be in an ideal situation. Last month the former Miami (Ohio) football coached was named the University of Pittsburgh's head coach. Within weeks, parts of his life were played out in the national media and unraveled. On New Year's Eve afternoon, he was arrested and jailed in South Bend, Indiana, on suspicions of physically abusing a woman, the mother of the couple's young son. Haywood was granted a weekend hearing, charged with a felony and released. A trial is expected. For its part, the University of Pittsburgh acted quickly as its own judge and fired Haywood.
If the allegations of domestic violence against Coach Haywood are true and if the alleged actions are not part of a pattern, university officials missed a great opportunity: not to summarily fire Coach Haywood but to make him a public face and example for reducing incidents of domestic violence. Haywood could have been told he would keep his new job on the contingency he become publicly active in combating domestic abuse, sharing his mistakes (if they are true) and helping others in similar situations recognize warning signs and avoid potentially bad situations that might result in domestic violence before it occurs.
I know too well how one can make a mistake like this, having done something similar when my now ex-wife and I were going through our divorce. When I ran for governor of Minnesota last year and made family law reform one of my main social platforms, my story was plastered on the front pages of the newspapers and on TV long after I had first gone public with my story and admission of my mistake.
Instead of hiding behind my error, I faced it head-on publicly in hopes others could learn from my errors. I am launching an organization this week called Reform Family Law Now (www.rflnow.com) which among other things, will work to find ways to reduce incidents of domestic violence for people going through divorce and custody battles. I will always have my critics who argue there should be zero tolerance in matters of domestic violence, and that I have no right to talk about such issues. However, I really believe what I learned from my mistakes can have a small voice in helping people avoid making the same mistake I did.
No one who has not gone through a divorce or custody battle can predict how their emotions can run amok and result in stupid, unacceptable behavior. There are no guides or required classes on how to deal with these situations. Too often we only hear about domestic violence issues after incidents occur. Programs exist to help perpetrators of domestic violence avoid making repeated mistakes, but few, if any, offer suggestions to avoid making a mistake in the first place.
As I work to push for changes in family law in Minnesota and other states, focusing on the need for 50/50 shared custody to be the legal presumption--a starting point in custody discussions not a guaranteed outcome - I also want to make sure divorcing couples with contested custody issues are required to take a class within thirty days of filing for divorce. This class needs to focus on how to avoid conflict during a divorce and look at the harsh realities of the gamut of emotions one might experience, how to avoid potential confrontational situations between spouses and the repercussions of domestic violence.
We can never erase our past, but people like me can take the lead in helping others avoid making the same mistakes. It's too bad the University of Pittsburgh didn't operate with the same vision and fortitude. Together university officials and Coach Haywood could have done a lot of good.
Rob Hahn can be reached at rob@rflnow.com
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Post to Facebook.Post to Blogger.Post to Twitter.Post to WordPress.Post to TypePad.Post to Tumblr.Post to Yahoo! View All Favorites Recency ?|? Popularity Maverickpower ? 11:35 PM on 1/17/2011 79 Fans I am in IDaho and suffering at the hands of a habitual abuser and the judge who supports mens rights at all costs . ( including my girls safety) This abuser recently told my daughter her body was inhabited by demons that I put there and she wasn't going to live very long. He told them I was moving to 4 corners Utah to sell them into sexual slavery to the Mormon cults down there, and that the Phoenix drug cartels were going to kidnap them. My girls therapist told me he was actively psychotic and delusional and that I was risking my girls physical safety by allowing unsupervis-ed visitation-. THis has been ON GOING for years! Broken protection orders , he has told the girls not to cooperate with therapist and police etc or they would go to Fostercare if anyone knew what was going on. In Idaho if I knowingly put my kids in harms way I can be held legally liable. And if I don't give him custody I can be thrown in jail .
I cannot leave the state and the judge has disregarde-d letters from mental health care profession-als and teachers etc. He said I was a horrible parent because I recently qualified for medicaid and food stamps. ( their father was taking those benefits and using them for himself)
I deserve this treatment according to the judge and he makes me 100% responsibl-e for the girls and their abuser. Reprehensi-ble. Maverickpower: I am in IDaho and suffering at the hands of http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Maverickpower/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_74288704.html Permalink ?| Share it ExitZero ? 07:58 PM on 1/18/2011 232 Fans Wow. Hang in there. You are in the fight of a lifetime. Try to see yourself as the hero in your daughters' lives. Because it sounds like you have to be. ExitZero: Wow. Hang in there. You are in the fight of http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/ExitZero/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_74385222.html Permalink ?| Share it Wonder Woman2 ? 3 hours ago (5:19 PM) 13 Fans Have you asked the Idaho Supreme Court for an observer? Wonder_Woman2: Have you asked the Idaho Supreme Court for an observer? http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Wonder_Woman2/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_74479451.html Permalink ?| Share it
DavidPisarra ? 10:24 AM on 1/17/2011 0 Fans As a divorce attorney in California-, and as the author of A Man's Guide To Domestic Violence, agree we need to reform the laws and put in place protection-s from people abusing a system that is supposed to heal families, not harm them further. Too often the Domestic Violence Protection Act is used a weapon in divorce for one party to get a "kick out" order, and have the custody of children awarded to the Petitioner-, with NO NOTICE to the other side - that is simply abuse in its own right. It's abusive to the children who have unnecessar-y trauma, and it's abusive to the innocent party who is now tarred with the DV label - even if nothing happened. DavidPisarra: As a divorce attorney in California, and as the author http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/DavidPisarra/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_74226191.html Permalink ?| Share it ktcsr ? 12:47 PM on 1/15/2011 0 Fans The domestic court system clearly doe's need some type of reform. While going through divorce I was falsley accused of domestic violence and of course it had everything to do custody. my ex asked for and I regretfull-y agreed to one because I had no intention of being near her except for transfer of custody. but my ex was bitter and spiteful she planned carefully and eventully caught me off guard while in a library sending an e-mail she called the police and I was violating the civil protection order. now I have this on my record and It has made it all most impossible to get a job. because I have shared custody this is to make it more difficult to provide for my son so soon I expect that her and her attorney will soon challange my abillity to provide, and want to take away my custody. I am so disipointe-d at how the court system works as it pertains to accussatio-ns of dv, because their are so many false claims and it almost always hurts the man ans thats just not fair or right. this encourages women to make false claims. ktcsr: The domestic court system clearly doe's need some type of http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/ktcsr/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_74072700.html Permalink ?| Share it curchel ? 05:13 PM on 1/14/2011 2 Fans I agree anyone call "claim" to be abused and not but i also can say that most of the time the abuser is someone "everyone" likes and "noone" outside of the family believes is absuive. The most loving, hospitable person to everyone else can be the same person knocking his wife and kids around at night. And yes, i know from experience-. And Mr. Wonderful to Everyone Else will almost always bad mouth the other person to make people think that she is crazy/delu-sional/vin-dictive to accuse him of abuse. They very seldom admit to be abusive because they want to keep their good guy image going.
The abused spouse seldom has proof of the abuse because usually they wont go to the police because they didnt want to get him in trouble or get him mad all the years they allowed the abuse before they finally left. curchel: I agree anyone call "claim" to be abused and not http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/curchel/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_73995117.html Permalink ?| Share it ktcsr ? 03:19 PM on 1/15/2011 0 Fans If someone is being abused they need to report it period.the-re are too many false accussatio-ns going . so if it's true abuse the abuser needs to be punished. but if it's false the accuser needs to be punished. no lying ! ktcsr: If someone is being abused they need to report it http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/ktcsr/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_74086423.html Permalink ?| Share it ExitZero ? 24 hours ago (8:00 PM) 232 Fans You're right, ktcsr. ExitZero: You're right, ktcsr. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/ExitZero/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_74385385.html Permalink ?| Share it carlamariee ? 09:46 AM on 1/10/2011 1 Fans That's "his book" not "theis book". carlamariee: That's "his book" not "theis book". http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/carlamariee/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_73377111.html Permalink ?| Share it carlamariee ? 09:43 AM on 1/10/2011 1 Fans Shawnie5, you would have a better understand-ing of Bancroft if you read him more carefully. He explains in the beginning of theis book that they dynamics he describes are not gender specific, but because they are statistica-lly more commonly ascribed to males, that for the sake of consistenc-y he uses "he" as a pronoun. His book remains the best at describing the mindset and strategies of an abuser.
Also, it is not uncommon for there to be no police record of DV. If a woman calls the police, she has a much more angry partner to deal with when he gets out. It's no win. When a petition of divorce is finally filed, it's frequently out of desperatio-n.
A presumptio-n that the children will be awarded to the respondant would effectivel-y give an abuser hostages. Living in a presumptiv-e 50/50 state, I personally know women who are staying with husbands who have hospitalis-ed them in order to keep the children safe from being alone in his custody.
A study, I believe by Barnard, demonstrat-ed that whenever men contest and go for full custody, they get it 70 percent of the time, even with domestic abuse is at issue. Women have not had any advantage in custody disputes since the 1970's.
As for DV being the "silver bullet', it's been so exploited that when DV really exists, it's almost impossible for victims to be heard. The system is broken, indeed. carlamariee: Shawnie5, you would have a better understanding of Bancroft if http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/carlamariee/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_73376774.html Permalink ?| Share it shawnie5 ? 04:03 PM on 1/10/2011 7 Fans This is the third time this week that I've encountere-d that 70% figure misreprese-nted in some fashion. Men who contest custody do NOT receive full custody 70% of the time. They may receive SOME FORM of custody. And that "form" of custody is likely to be merely joint legal, which is virtually the same as noncustodi-al except with some access to school and medical records. It is a bone they toss dad hoping he'll go away satisfied.
If you look at the census bureau's data (at least from 2006, as the 2010 data has not been published) on custodial parents and children, the percentage of custodial mothers (meaning mothers possessing the majority of the children's time) has not changed significan-tly since 1990. A decrease of not more than a percentage point or two at most.
But I hear you about the exploitati-on of DV claims.
I understand what you're saying about Bancroft..-.but my problem with him is that he is ostensibly in the anti-PAS camp but neverthele-ss in his work outlines parental alienation in minute detail while refusing to call it what it is. The implicatio-n is that alienation is something that men do and women don't, which is prepostero-us on its face. shawnie5: This is the third time this week that I've encountered http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/shawnie5/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_73433458.html Permalink ?| Share it
Maverickpower ? 11:17 PM on 1/17/2011 79 Fans I am in Idaho , a 50/50 sate. It is horrifying-. THe judge has violated my rights and threatened to take my kids and put me in jail. I am the Mother of 3 girls , who just recently came out to therapists about RAMPANT abuse. The inability of the system to recognize or address this VERY real issue is ASTOUNDING !! He has broken protection orders over and over. He lied in court about domestic violence committed in front of the girls, now they have to testify to prove me the victim. I cannot leave the state of Idaho and he has NEVER paid child support. AND to top it off if I knowingly put my kids in harms way I will be legally liable ?? And if I don't bring them to visitation I can be thrown in jail. The system abuses the victim, then makes them liable for the actions of the abuser.He was thrown in jail two nights ago for breaking the order AGAIN !! Their is such prejudice against women in Idaho. If you are in this situation then you have done something to deserve it.
DEPLORABLE !!!!!!!!! Maverickpower: I am in Idaho , a 50/50 sate. It is http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Maverickpower/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_74287365.html Permalink ?| Share it
h0tr0d ? 05:18 PM on 1/18/2011 37 Fans Lundy Bancroft is an ideologue who has been discredite-d by many. His followers are exclusivel-y true believers from the Women's Studies set. h0tr0d: Lundy Bancroft is an ideologue who has been discredited by http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/h0tr0d/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_74366901.html Permalink ?| Share it ExitZero ? 13 hours ago (6:34 AM) 232 Fans Really? Who is he discredite-d by? He seems to be widely respected (and rightly so, since he's nailed the psychologi-cal profile of controllin-g abusive men) by profession-als and the testimonie-s of abused women who found strength from his books are very touching. The only criticism of him seems to be from mad dad groups, and the main critique I read of him was a guy who was angry for personal reasons, who attempted to slander Bancroft on a personal level, with innuendo. Not a very objective analysis. In fact, that writer pretty much proved Bancroft's point about the psychologi-cal makeup of abusers. ExitZero: Really? Who is he discredited by? He seems to be http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/ExitZero/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_74417093.html Permalink ?| Share it shaden3 ? 08:31 PM on 1/07/2011 7 Fans Incidents of violence do not necessaril-y translate to Domestic Violence as defined by the DV community. Of course, violence is never acceptable-, but truly understand-ing why domestic violence is defined as a pattern of behaviors, rather than an isolated incident, is an important first step.
Evaluating each family, on a thoughtful case-by-ca-se basis, is imperative-. The fact that there must be a pattern of behavior opens the door for other types of abuse to be included in coersive and controllin-g methods that will ultimately impact the co-parenti-ng situation. Ongoing intimidati-on (which may not include physical violence) absolutely should be a red flag to all involved, from the attorney to the judge to the mediators to the guardian ad litems and down the line.
However, an isolated incident without any prior history or ongoing control and/or threats may not qualify under what's become commonly understood about true intimate partner abuse. Unacceptab-le, unfortunat-e, awful - but more needs to discussed. shaden3: Incidents of violence do not necessarily translate to Domestic Violence http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/shaden3/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_73110147.html Permalink ?| Share it curchel ? 05:15 PM on 1/14/2011 2 Fans Who knows if it is truly isolated? Lots of domestic violence goes unreported-. Many abused spouses are too ashamed to go to the police lots of the time because abusers do a good job in convincing them that they caused the abuse (if you kept your house neater, or if you didnt make me jealous or if you would have done what i said i would have never done that. ) curchel: Who knows if it is truly isolated? Lots of domestic http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/curchel/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_73995471.html Permalink ?| Share it biged0214 ? 04:21 PM on 1/07/2011 0 Fans No, I don't agree with the presumptio-n that custody should be 50/50. One size does not fit all, especially in cases in which there has been a history of domestic violence. The court and mediators need to look into these allegation-s and cases on an individual case-by-ca-se basis. Only a very small percentage of men actually stop their abusive behavior. Abusive men will often contest custody and use the court as a tool of control. The family court system needs to be reformed overall. We are not just case numbers but families, children and parents. 50/50 is unrealisti-c under these circumstan-ces and only leads to more friction between the parents. Thus not in the best interest of the child. Men still do not equally share parenting responsibl-ities. It still tends to fall on women, so is a custody battle truly in the genuine interest in wanting to care for their child/ren? I would suggest you read Lundy Bancroft's - Why Does He Do That? as a start. biged0214: No, I don't agree with the presumption that custody should http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/biged0214/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_73083958.html Permalink ?| Share it shawnie5 ? 03:39 AM on 1/08/2011 7 Fans Lundy Bancroft lost me when he tried to label a close bond between a dad (never a mom) and kids in a conflicted divorce situation as "traumatic bonding." shawnie5: Lundy Bancroft lost me when he tried to label a http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/shawnie5/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_73133907.html Permalink ?| Share it ExitZero ? 13 hours ago (6:52 AM) 232 Fans You rejected him out of hand because of that? Do you reject his overall premise - that abusers are angry, controllin-g narcissist-s? Do you deny all the ways that abusers destroy their families, from sexual violence to the "merely" psychologi-cal? Do you not think this is a real problem that real people suffer from and that they deserve help in the difficult task of getting free from these dangerous people? Do you think society really supports the victims of abuse, that their lives are any easier now in that private hell than they were for women & families generation-s ago? ExitZero: You rejected him out of hand because of that? Do http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/ExitZero/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_74417471.html Permalink ?| Share it There are More Comments on this Thread. Click Here To See them All MikeMurphy ? 12:48 PM on 1/07/2011 2 Fans Good work Rob. We need sane voices speaking for 50-50 parenting post divorce and you have the intestinal fortitude to deal with it.
Often, what gets lost in the whole discussion of DV is the over 50% initiation rate of Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) by women. In one credible study by the CDC it found women initiating it at a 71% rate in non-recipr-ocal violence. They do it because they can as in most cases the man does not strike back. We are hard wired and socialized to protect those weaker.
If reason prevails and equal shared parenting becomes the norm, and Lawyers don't try to fight it based on false allegation-s, tensions will be reduced, divorce will be reduced, children will have more positive outcomes and mom will get a break to get training and find a job or be able to be under less stress. Children face the most abuse and death at the hands of single moms compared to biological fathers. MikeMurphy: Good work Rob. We need sane voices speaking for 50-50 http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/MikeMurphy/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_73055303.html Permalink ?| Share it ExitZero ? 24 hours ago (8:06 PM) 232 Fans "Children face the most abuse and death at the hands of single moms compared to biological fathers."
This is a falsehood/-distortion that should stop being repeated. It undermines the honest points you did make.
Children who live with fathers suffer a higher rate of abuse than children that live with mothers. But there are exponentia-lly MORE children living with mothers. This is not a proper argument to make, if your point is that fathers are less likely to abuse children. That is not true.
It's a difficult situation. There ARE some men who are dangerousl-y abusive - physically-. Most violent crime is committed by men. Most violence within families is perpetrate-d by men. Making false equivalenc-es is not the way to address this real and present danger to both women and kids. ExitZero: "Children face the most abuse and death at the hands http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/ExitZero/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_74385980.html Permalink ?| Share it rlaspari ? 11:12 PM on 1/06/2011 2 Fans Even better than pushing for 50/50 shared custody is pushing for custody for the respondent (the spouse who doesn't initiate the divorce) to be the legal presumptio-n. This would only be a presumptio-n. If there is evidence that the respondent was at fault (for example physically abusive) and this could be proven in court, then there could be a different custody arrangemen-t. Having a presumptio-n that custody goes to the respondent does a few things. First, it discourage-s a spouse from initiating divorce without cause if children are present (and we've learned in the past few decades divorce is bad for kids). Second, it brings a concept of “innocent until proven guilty” for the respondent to family court – something it really needs. Third, it makes a marriage contract resemble other contracts in that there is no reward for breaking a contract without cause. Women initiate the vast majority of divorces – primarily because the current sexist system favors them in custody battles. A 50/50 presumptio-n is not enough to change this. Many women will still think, “If 50/50 is the worst I can do, that's not too bad.” A rebuttable presumptio-n that custody goes to the respondent acknowledg-es that divorce is in general bad for children and initiating it without cause should not be rewarded. It removes the sexist attitude we have and replaces it with one that a good parent will not place their selfish desires over a child's need for an intact family. rlaspari: Even better than pushing for 50/50 shared custody is pushing http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/rlaspari/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_73005708.html Permalink ?| Share it ExitZero ? 13 hours ago (6:56 AM) 232 Fans So what you're saying is that women should be held hostage in abusive relationsh-ips for fear that if they try to leave, they'll lose their children? Unless of course they can "prove" they were abused - which is exactly the abuser's ace in the hole.
If one spouse cheats, or abuses drugs, or psychologi-cally abuses the family - then the person who tries to break free should lose their kids and the cheater/dr-ug addict/abu-ser should raise them? Where is the logic in that? ExitZero: So what you're saying is that women should be held http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/ExitZero/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_74417560.html Permalink ?| Share it Wonder Woman2 ? 3 hours ago (5:23 PM) 13 Fans That is exactly what they are saying- property has no right object to mistreatme-nt. Wonder_Woman2: That is exactly what they are saying- property has no http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Wonder_Woman2/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_74479928.html Permalink ?| Share it Keystone 30 ? 11:10 PM on 1/06/2011 1 Fans The problem here is "suspicion-s" of abuse. The mere accusation of which will cause a man to lose everything he ever owned with absolutely no criminalit-y and be assumed guilty before proven innocent costing thousands for a 5 minute cookie cutter trial. Every attorney out there knows the silver bullet, aka ex parte restrainin-g order, and as the past president of the MA bar stated "the most widely abused piece of legislatio-n out there" causing the accused constituti-onal rights without any criminalit-y or even a 911 call. The system is broken . Keystone_30: The problem here is "suspicions" of abuse. The mere accusation http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Keystone_30/when-divorce-custody-issu_b_803755_73005484.html Permalink ?| Share it ? ? New comments on this entry — Click to refresh
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